A Madness is Born

2016-07-06 21.30.55

In the summer of 2016, a female raccoon tore off one of the air vent screens on the eave of our roof and entered our attic.

Every night it was here, this nocturnal rabies-carrying, flea hotel of a mammal rummaged through our air ducts and scratched at the fiberglass insulation, at times right over our heads as we struggled to sleep soundly in our bed.

I am not a religious person, but I remember asking a higher power during those sleepless nights for the unwelcome visitor to be exorcised from our home. We also searched on Yelp and found an animal removal company.

Traps were placed on the roof and in the yard. There were chunks of chocolate and globs of peanut butter plated inside the traps but the animal wouldn’t take the bait.

When that didn’t work, the animal removal subject matter expert took to spraying a fluid in our attic that emitted a putrid odor used to repel female raccoons in these circumstances. “What the hell is that?” I asked him. The expert said, “Its supposed to replicate the scent of a male raccoon’s testicles. Female raccoons hate it.”

No shit.

I would not wish this smell on anyone, but it worked. The raccoon just upped and left a week or so later.

Now I plead to a higher power again to remove another unwelcome visitor:

– the music from the film A Star is Born, which has been playing in my head at all hours since we rented the film on Apple TV two weeks ago.

I can’t rid my mind of this music.


There are not one, not two, but three songs rummaging through my brain as if looking for a place to settle: (1) the ubiquitous Shallow, of course;  (2) the one about the Arizona Sky and the California Gold that Lady Gaga belts on the piano during a scene; and, (3) the Bradley Cooper folksy-rock catchy-as-hell ballad Maybe Its Time.

I don’t know many of the lyrics save for a few lines but it doesn’t matter, the melodies won’t leave my head.

Three years ago the raccoon was driven away. The animal expert said she must have felt threatened.  But this music, in my head…its been 14 days. 

Please go away.

In the meantime, I’m going to go blast some Metallica.

#random rant


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